Heavy breathing (Day 7,774)
"You have nothing to lose but your chains!"
I am not an enthusiast when it comes to economics and therefore won't write about it. Everytime I read this sentence I pull it from it's essence into my own treacherous life. And what remains of it is a very personal and simple understanding which is far from economics. Before explaining my understanding of it , I must first make a confession that I am afraid I might love my chains. As simple and straightforward as this emotion is , I have come to a realization that sitting in a darkened room all alone can make even the simplest human emotion most complex thing on the planet. While this realization was hitting my one half , my other half was felling guilty for hurting myself by holding on to the shackles I should have let go of years ago.
Never was I ever a "gifted" kid nor was I ever "ambitious" enough. But my primary caregivers always had faith in me and this was my first encounter with what people call "blind believe". Even after literally failing in an exam I was met with "you did good" , no I didn't. I never have. Why are these people so blind to see? I am not good , I don't do good, if I do any thing at all then that's disappointments, I thought. At every curve I walked away from people who loved me , at every point in my life I did the wrong thing whenever someone gave me a candle I blew it myself and sat quietly in the dark breathing heavily, breathing silently. Having the best family added to the burden. I couldn't run away from them neither could I ask them to leave. And it's so difficult to explain how big of a loser you are to someone who is rooting for your happiness since your first breath so I did the obvious thing and that is, within the walls we shared I created my own. Every affirmative sentence I heard was dealt with "that's a lie" within these walls of mine.
As I grew up I realized that everybody has these "chains" which binds them to their beds for them to rot and eventually......
Well my point of argument revolves around these "chains" and the simple anecdote mixed with gibberish described above is to support my argument that like every other being on this planet I too am cuffed with chains from my ankle to my neck and the one I talked about in my confession above is the one around my neck slowly stifling me to death. And what exactly that chain is at this point is a no brainer.. this chain is thick and venomous and it has spikes which pierce through my neck drawing blood at every breath. I hate myself and I am afraid I love it. This is not some twisted mindset I must clarify for I fear to be judged for something I don't possess. When I say I love it I don't mean I find pleasure in it because I don't. I genuinely hate myself for hating myself and this is exactly what's feeding it even today. And regardless of being aware of this fact I keep feeding it and this implies that I might love it which I already said I am afraid of.
Confined within these walls I created myself, shackled with the hate I possess I fear I might go mad, so instead of waiting for someone to show up with a key I have been working my way out with a hammer and a chainsaw. But now I am out of breath and so I fall on the floor breathing heavily.
"The floor seemed wonderfully solid. It was comforting to know I had fallen and could fall no farther" - Sylvia Plath